I love running...

This post has been a bit inspired by Mel over at Tall Mom - she had a negative incident with a photo caption, and clarified that you don't always have to look happy or have a smile on your face to love running. I think right now that point needs to stick in my head. I don't have to be competitive, I don't have to be fast, I don't have to run marathons or half marathons. I could, and I know that, but just because I choose not to doesn't mean I am not a worthy runner, and doesn't mean I don't love running the distances I choose to run from now on.

My husband proceeded to keep digging a hole with me today when he called me at work. After the run, he didn't ask what time I finished in, and to be honest, I didn't share because I was horribly ashamed of it. I should be able to run faster than I do. So many people I know, bloggers I see do halfs in 2 hours or less like it is no big thing, so when I have to say I did my second half in 2:48, it sucks.

I guess my husband took it upon himself to look up my time, then he called and jokingly called me a slacker. Which resulted in me bursting into tears at my desk, because I feel like it is true. I feel I failed, I am lacking, the result isn't impressive, and am terribly ashamed. I think upon hearing my reaction, which was crickets followed by a conversation on why that wasn't funny, he finally got it.

Still waiting on the photos, but my body is pretty much 100%. Toenails are a bit sore, but thankfully, I think none of them will turn black or fall off this time. Might try to get a run in tomorrow.

Has anyone ever made a really stupid comment to you they thought was "funny"? What did you do about it?

Not my best today....

Wanted to check in really fast to provide an update, as I received a few comments on my last post. Saturday night, I knew that things weren't going to go my way when the hubby didn't go to bed early, instead deciding to stay up till 2am (I know, he woke me up when he got in bed) watching movies and doing his thing. I didn't even bother trying to wake him up on Sunday. He didn't show, but he did manage to drive into Ottawa that same morning (could have probably made it to my finish) to go shopping instead.

Race was fine for about 8k, then we stopped because my friend was having digestive issues, and I just didn't want to go any further. I was done. It just wasn't my definition of fun anymore.

I finished the race, 5 minutes slower than my first, but did noy feel joy or relief. I just felt empty and sad.

At this point, I don't think I will be running another half again, at least not with any serious intentions. Maybe the disney princess half, but no others. My heart isn't in it, and the whole process has just made me sore, cranky, sad and depressed. And it truly shouldn't make me feel this way.

So 5's and 10's are what I'll do. I'll accept what I now know is my personal limits. It is hard not getting caught up with other bloggers who go further and faster than me, and it is getting me down. So I am going to focus on what I can do decently well, that puts a smile on my face.

P.S - two years ago today, I married my husband. Realized I never posted any photos of us last year, definitely meant to, so here's one for you:

Freak Out Friday

Two recent developments have me freaking out in different ways about this weekend:

1) the race directors/powers that be have just announced that the course has changed for the third time in three years. While I hate that there isn't consistency, and that I now don't know/have never run about half of the route, the advantage is we get to avoid a KILLER hill that made me nearly keel over last year. It's about 2k of straight uphill torture which I am glad to miss. See my comments on that hill and the racer who I saw collapsed on the course here.

2) the bigger freakout has to do with my husband, who I love, but is not a runner. I have tried to convert him, he has done part of the C25k program, has ran with me as recently as this month, but has never caught the running bug. I can accept that. However, he has always been supportive of the past in attending my races and cheering me on, which is something I thrive on and means a lot to me.

So I had the following conversation with him on the phone just now:

Me: Hey Hun, so we have to get to M's house at around 7:45-8 so we can drive into town for the race, since it starts at 9.

Him: 7:45?!?!

Me: Yes, it is a 9am race.

Him: Well, I was planning on going out to the shooting range tomorrow morning, and was really looking forward to sleeping in on Sunday.

Me...... um, ok, but you knew about the race.

Him: What am I going to do for 3 hours anyways?

Me: Go have breakfast? Watch me and support me?

Him: *sigh*

Seriously???? He knew about this race MONTHS ago, and all of a sudden sleeping in is more important? My friend M has her parents, who live in Alberta, who have flown out just to see her run, and my husband can't get out of bed and spend three hours supporting me. I could just about cry right now. Because the only thing worse than racing, is racing knowing no one is there to support you specifically. The rest of my family is in a different area of the province, so if he doesn't come, I'll be going it alone. As much as I am upset, it isn't worth me forcing him to attend.

I have been realizing over the past little while that I am losing my run mojo, and with this it feels like another nail in the coffin. It is hard to continue doing something where you have no one supporting you, and where your goals aren't motivating you like they should.

Do you have supportive family? If you don't, how do you do it?

Slacker Monday

On the weekend I was checking my facebook account, and was confronted with my status from last year which indicated that I had two interviews on one day. At the time, the interviews were great news as it had been a long trying summer of attempting to find employment, only to get two different job offers on one day. On October 4th, I will be with my workplace for one year, and so glad to be gainfully employed and earning $$$!

However, this status update reminded me of how different my life was last year, and where my head was at the week before the race. Last year, I had a guaranteed job, but hadn't started working yet. I was essentially on a holiday, with all the time in the world to run. I was optimistic and full of energy after a long and depressing summer. As a result, I was super excited/nervous for my first half marathon.

Fast forward to today, I am 6 days out from my second half marathon, and I feel like it is a chore. I did my last long run last saturday in brutal heat and humidity, and it was a definite slogfest. I have ran one 5k since then, and feel like my heart isn't in it. I am so focused on my job, my new house, our upcoming trip, finances, getting the Munckin back into the routine of school that running is something I do, not necessarily something I love or an excited about.

I know that excitement will come back as I attend the race expo later this week, get my swag and maybe buy some new gear, but for now, it is SO hard to convince myself to get out there and do a run or two this week. It is so scary to think that this weekend, I run 21k. I feel unprepared and nervous that I will tank out worse than last year.

In case you don't remember, I ran my first half in 2:43 last year. I am not exactly a speedy Gonzales here. I will be embarassed if I don't surpass that. I should be a better runner now, having another year under my belt, but I am concerned that with my life back on track, I didn't take the time to become a better me.

Is this rambling part of my taper madness? Maybe. Is it messing with my self-esteem? Yes.

Despite being so focused on life this year, the one thing I do find about my training is that I have been WAY more positive. Last year I would fight my running buddy to take breaks when it gets tough. This year I found myself pushing her on when she wanted to stop. I am hoping that between the two of us, we will be able to challenge our limits in a reasonable way, and get close to that 2:30 time frame I had initially wanted. I have not been wearing a Garmin on my training runs (*gasp*) and don't really know if I am on track, but I am hoping with some determination and drive, I will be able to push it (push it real good!) and get to my goal.

I WILL run a 10k tonight

I WILL be excited for Sunday

I WILL be positive and keep moving for as much of the 21k as possible

I WILL meet my goals, no matter what they are the day of

I WILL be happy for myself, even if it is just for being healthier than at least 50% of the population

What will you do today?